Vintage Thanksgiving 'scopes

Thanksgiving Horoscopes

Aries
Eat lots of cranberry sauce...this will create a rumor that you have a bladder infection...and it will help your extended family to forget about the previous rumor that you slept with the mall santa.

Taurus
Christmas is just around the corner...Literally for you, because those neighbors of yours have a ridiculous amount of Christmas decorations.

Gemini
A Thanksgiving costume party is a great idea, until that guy shows up as a pilgrim scalper.

Cancer
The holidays are great....but you don't think so when that girl you were dating says yes to your brothers marriage proposal.

Leo
Don't let the 4-year-old say the dinner prayer, unless you too, are thankful for candy after you poop.

Virgo
Break the news to your mother gently that ham is still considered meat and that it doesn't fit into your vegetarian diet.

Libra
You fight for your right not to party, but to wear your t-shirt that says "I'm the life of this party, because you guys suck".

Scorpio Don't get mad at your wife for dressing up the dogs as indians...that just means that you guys are the pilgrims, and you get to eat all the people food.

Saggittarius
Adults will laugh, children will cry, perfect strangers will look at you in disgust..................so don't do it.

Capricorn
Think about playing flag football instead of touch football, trust me, otherwise things are going to get really wierd.

Aquarius
Don't be surprised if you find some incriminating evidence inside the turkey.... there WAS that infamous turkey mafia thing in lower Manhattan.

Pisces
Don't worry, your sister isn't suffering from dementia, she's just having an allergic reaction to the food you made.