November's Slap in the Face Horoscopes

Your Slap in the Face Horoscopes

“ Don’t come cryin’ to me, I merely write what the stars tell me.” - Darcy Rhodes

Aries

Rainbows, lollipops and puppies have got nothing to do with your happiness.  A little tiny man riding a trike does, make sure you give him a tip.

Taurus

Forget what others may say, not everyone can pull off rip-away pants, but you can, and you sure make them look good.

Gemini

“What are you saying?” is what many will yell at you this week.  Have confidence, just say what you said again, and louder.

Cancer

Children will laugh, but don’t let that sway you, you have an important job to do, someone has to clean it up.

Leo

You’re right, rhyming IS fun.  However, your challenge to yourself to rhyme everything you say for 5 straight hours at work will get you into trouble.  Keep your head up, your boss is just unhappy with you outing him on his Nicki Minaj collage.  You promised to keep that a secret.

Virgo

You think all is said and done, but today you are wrong.  He WILL be coming back for his book of short stories and orange rape whistle.  Don’t be fooled, what he really wants is to sample more of your trail mix, hide it good.

Libra

Write those thoughts down.  One of them is the beginning of an idea that will change the world forever as we know it.  And no, it’s not the one about plunger stilts.

Scorpio

Choose wisely, the amount of vomit coming out of your mouth depends on it.

Sagittarius

Remember it well, no one likes a person who brags about how well they make pudding.  Everyone can make pudding.  You will lose friends over this.

Capricorn

Things will go your way after you man up and go talk to him.  Yes, I’m talking about the guy who is 20 years your senior and when he flexes the lady tattoo on his arm dances, who else.

Aquarius

Sure they will run and scream, what did you expect when you decided to run with that chainsaw yelling “I can’t stop it, it cuts what it wants”.

Pisces

Be honest with yourself, you don’t use the cargo pockets.   Be on your guard, this will lead to an altercation.

Vintage from December 2005

Aries
You will be very prosperous this year if you shave your head and paint dollar signs on it, or atleast people will think you are very prosperous.

Taurus You will have your heart broken many times, and then you will fall in love, you thank your unsuccessfulness and then successfulness on Dr. Phil's new book "Look for Love in all the Wrong Places, and Then Look in a Right Place".

Gemini Rap songs ARE good, but understand that your mother doesn't appreciate them at her book club meeting.

Cancer You will dance the night away until you say to yourself "Wow, where did the night go, I must have danced it away".

Leo If you want to have a good 2006, make sure your start if off right by getting drunk and talk to people while being one inch away from their faces, this will ensure you the infamous title of "smelliest person alive in 2005".

Virgo Chipmunks make you laugh, but not as much as seeing your friend sing "Bring in the Clowns" while dressed as a chipmunk.

Libra If you want to reinvent yourself, now is a good time, sure your friends will have a hard time believing you developed that much over Christmas break, but some will be fooled.

Scorpio Yes, you quit drinking, good for you, but your friends will be disapointed at the lack of entertainment you provide this year at the New Years party, it would be best if you fill up your glass with Martinelli's and start compairing your friends facial features to those of the muppets, they'll never know the difference.

Saggittarius Chances are you will have a chance to kiss that girl tonight, procure your spot on the couch next to her by leaving a sticky note that says "Reserved for MR. Soft Lips", keep the note in your sight, because it is someones plan to cross out soft, and write gay.

Capricorn Flip a coin to help you decide what you should do tonight, coins are often wrong, but the flipping never is.

Aquarius Children are beautiful, especially when they are sleeping in the back of your car when your making out in the front.

Pisces Beware of a freak pot and pan accident, your mother's words- "I told you to turn the porch light on", will resonate in your head for days.

Vintage Thanksgiving 'scopes

Thanksgiving Horoscopes

Aries
Eat lots of cranberry sauce...this will create a rumor that you have a bladder infection...and it will help your extended family to forget about the previous rumor that you slept with the mall santa.

Taurus
Christmas is just around the corner...Literally for you, because those neighbors of yours have a ridiculous amount of Christmas decorations.

Gemini
A Thanksgiving costume party is a great idea, until that guy shows up as a pilgrim scalper.

Cancer
The holidays are great....but you don't think so when that girl you were dating says yes to your brothers marriage proposal.

Leo
Don't let the 4-year-old say the dinner prayer, unless you too, are thankful for candy after you poop.

Virgo
Break the news to your mother gently that ham is still considered meat and that it doesn't fit into your vegetarian diet.

Libra
You fight for your right not to party, but to wear your t-shirt that says "I'm the life of this party, because you guys suck".

Scorpio Don't get mad at your wife for dressing up the dogs as indians...that just means that you guys are the pilgrims, and you get to eat all the people food.

Saggittarius
Adults will laugh, children will cry, perfect strangers will look at you in disgust..................so don't do it.

Capricorn
Think about playing flag football instead of touch football, trust me, otherwise things are going to get really wierd.

Aquarius
Don't be surprised if you find some incriminating evidence inside the turkey.... there WAS that infamous turkey mafia thing in lower Manhattan.

Pisces
Don't worry, your sister isn't suffering from dementia, she's just having an allergic reaction to the food you made.
 

For the birds

So....Its funny that phrase "for the birds". As if birds were not intelligent, crows CAN do math. Phrase example- "That there croquet is for the birds", There is so much wrong with this sentence. First, this sentence implies that croquet is for dumb people.... or people with small brains. Second, I like to play croquet and my brain is huge. Things are just not matching up. This does not mean that croquet is actually for birds..........cause obviously the mallets are too big.

Another example? oh okay... here's a fairly common one I overheard the other day- "Naw, I don't want to read nothin', readin' is for the birds". Okay guys, come on, reading is for everyone. I saw this photo of a bird reading...well it was a drawing of a real photo I saw once... and he was reading just fine, and he was holding the book and everything....oh and there was a worm reading too, not too sure about worms and there reading skills, don't think their eyesight is very good. Might have been in Braille, their bodies do resemble a pointer finger.