Vintage from December 2005

Aries
You will be very prosperous this year if you shave your head and paint dollar signs on it, or atleast people will think you are very prosperous.

Taurus You will have your heart broken many times, and then you will fall in love, you thank your unsuccessfulness and then successfulness on Dr. Phil's new book "Look for Love in all the Wrong Places, and Then Look in a Right Place".

Gemini Rap songs ARE good, but understand that your mother doesn't appreciate them at her book club meeting.

Cancer You will dance the night away until you say to yourself "Wow, where did the night go, I must have danced it away".

Leo If you want to have a good 2006, make sure your start if off right by getting drunk and talk to people while being one inch away from their faces, this will ensure you the infamous title of "smelliest person alive in 2005".

Virgo Chipmunks make you laugh, but not as much as seeing your friend sing "Bring in the Clowns" while dressed as a chipmunk.

Libra If you want to reinvent yourself, now is a good time, sure your friends will have a hard time believing you developed that much over Christmas break, but some will be fooled.

Scorpio Yes, you quit drinking, good for you, but your friends will be disapointed at the lack of entertainment you provide this year at the New Years party, it would be best if you fill up your glass with Martinelli's and start compairing your friends facial features to those of the muppets, they'll never know the difference.

Saggittarius Chances are you will have a chance to kiss that girl tonight, procure your spot on the couch next to her by leaving a sticky note that says "Reserved for MR. Soft Lips", keep the note in your sight, because it is someones plan to cross out soft, and write gay.

Capricorn Flip a coin to help you decide what you should do tonight, coins are often wrong, but the flipping never is.

Aquarius Children are beautiful, especially when they are sleeping in the back of your car when your making out in the front.

Pisces Beware of a freak pot and pan accident, your mother's words- "I told you to turn the porch light on", will resonate in your head for days.